Carl tries to be a fan

I know I said in my last post that I was back and said how I was going to be really regular - as in posting things on my blog, not the other kind of being regular...that's all hunky-dory thanks - but there been so much to do over the last few weeks.  I've just been far too busy to post anything.  OK, maybe busy isn't the right word.  I've been occupied, shall we say.

I've become a fan.  Yeah, I'm as surprised as you probably are.  Never thought in a million years I'd hear myself say those four little words.  Although, thinking about it, I have been a fan of things before.  I've always been a fan of eating puppies for example.  And I've been a fan of the old "death-roll" method of killing prey since I was a junior croc' (huge fan of the old "death-roll" me).

But they're just preferences compared to being a real fan. A sports fan.  Everyone's a sports fan at the moment.  Or so it seems.  And I'm discovering that there are so many different sports you that can be a fan of...

Carl is back!

It probably seems to you like ages since I posted anything.  That's the problem with you humans, always thinking about things like time and what you do with it and where it goes.  I'm a crocodile and we can lie in wait for a very long time for a juicy piece of prey to come along.  We have to wait until the moment is right to pounce and drag our dinner-to-be into the depths, then we have to wedge it under a log or something and wait longer still for it to rot a little at the bottom of the river before we actually eat it (and you thought it waiting three minutes for your microwave meal was a long time...).

So you see for a crocodile time is just not worth marking.

Anyway, I'm back.  And with a new keeper.  Don't ask what happened to the last two.  It's a desperate tail that may take some time for me to get over.  Maybe I'll blog about it when it's not so fresh and painful (and I run out of interesting stuff to tell you).  However, this new keeper has promised to look after me properly - although I'm not entirely sure he realises what that will actually entail.  Poor, foolish human...

I have to say though he's made a promising start because the first thing he did was that he whisked me away on an exotic holiday.  OK, so it was an exotic holiday to Scotland, but trust me, when you've been stuck on an office partition for the last three years anywhere is exotic!

And I saw it all! Lochs, stock and barrel.  The lochs especially were really cool.  I'm a crocodile.  Lurking like a bored log in a river, lake, loch - whatever - that's my thing.  It's what I live to do.  So you can imagine my excitement when I saw how many lochs there are!

Me on holiday - see how chilled I am?
(source: my new keeper)

That's me by one in the picture. Look at all that lovely water.  It's a big loch.  Stretches as far as my crocodile eyes could see.  OK, it's a salt water loch and I'm a fresh water crocodile but it's been so long since I've seen water I don't care.  It's wet and wavy.  That's all that matters.  But see, I'm hiding in the grass.  Just like the old days.  I've not lost my touch.

Oh and I guess those mountains are cool too.  If you like that sort of land-based frippery.

But the point is I'm relaxing.  See how chilled I look there?  Yes, I know I'm cold-blooded and chilled is my natural state when the sun's not out, but there I'm intentionally chilling.  I'm content and stress-free.  I've not really been that relaxed before and it was quite a revelation.  And it didn't happen just the once either.

You can't see the cowardly birds hiding on the rock - but I can
(source: my new keeper again)

See, that's me beside the sea.  Yes, more salt water, I know.  My new keeper doesn't seem to understand yet that I'm a freshwater crocodile but I'm working on that.  He's new and has much to learn about crocodiles.  But can you see how relaxed I am there too?  It's mainly because I'm imaging eating one of those cowardly birds who spent the whole time hiding out on that rock, even so I'm a happy snapper there.

I've been told holidays are stressful, costly and leave you more tired needing time to recover.  Well not this one. This one was truly refreshing and invigorating.  I feel more energised and ready to face the world again.

And I want to go back to Scotland.  Yes, I very definitely want to go back, just as soon as I can convince my new keeper to take me back.  All those lovely lochs to explore!  Thousands of them!  Hopefully even some freshwater lochs this time.  How brilliant is that?  Apparently I've got a distant relation living up there too.  A very distant relation - Loch Ness is a long way away - and she is very old...

But that's for later.  Right now I'm back home and ready to face the world again!  Now where shall I go for my next holiday...?

Carl

Carl enjoys his new job

Well it's been quite a couple of weeks, I can tell you. I'm an employee now.  Well not paid or anything... although it wouldn't hurt if they slipped me the odd wildebeest/puppy.  No, I am what you would call an honorary employee.  And it's all good.


Keep Carl
Source: Rockhard Creations



I no longer sit on the storage heater, watching the telly.  Telly was getting a bit boring anyway.  Now, I sit on a desk divider in a big old office.  And it's all going on there.  I've learnt a lot.  I now know loads of really specialist job stuff, like facebook and football and even buses.  Buses are what humans use because they don't have a powerful propulsive tail, like crocs.



I'm also starting to understand what it means to be a mascot.  What it is, is that every now and again you get fondled thoughfully.  It's like I'm a source of inspiration.  And from what I understand, things been going well since I've been there.

Anyway.  Just thought I'd check in.  It's been ages since I blogged.  Almost two weeks.  It's not laziness, though; it's busyness.  And right now, busyness is good.

Best regards

Carl

Carl gets a job

One minute I was an ebay 'item', the next, I'm getting a job offer.  Funny old world, innit?

You see, the person that bought me wants me to be a mascot at my Keeper's work.  A team mascot.  When the Keeper told me, I got a bit excited (cf June 30 post).  You see, I thought he said I was gonna eat a mascot.  I figured a mascot was one of those dog crosses, like a labradoodle.  You now, part mastiff, part scottie dog.  I thought, well I've never tried that, but I can be quite adventurous with food.

I'M NOT THIS KIND OF MASCOT
(Source: arsenal.com)

Anyway, that's not what a mascot is.  It's actually like a symbol; a source of inspiration, the Keeper says.  So I got him to show me some mascots on the internet and I'm not sure.

Sometimes they seem to be humans in big fluffy costumes... like Gunnersaurus Rex. (see right).

Crocs don't like pretending to be what they're not.  Unless it's a log, obviously.  But that's for dinner reasons.

Turns out, though, that I can just be myself.  I just gotta hang out and be me.  That, I can do.

Happy July


Carl

Carl has sold!

Well, it's finally happened.  I been bought!  If you were unlucky enough to miss it, then it all went down at 12:58 today.

CROC BOTTLE
(Source: crazysand.co.uk)

I'm kind of excited.  It's not like human excitement, though.  Reptilian excitement is a more laid back affair.  We learn to hide it well.  We have to.  Imagine a tender young wildebeest watering at the side of a stinky river.  Now imagine a croc lying in wait, peering up from the depths.  Only, that old croc has such a munch-on that he starts swishing his tail, frothing at the mouth and auto-deathrolling like some crazy alligator.  Sure as anything, that wildebeest's gonna show a clean set of hooves and be tagging on to the end of the southerley migration before you can say Sobek (see May 31 post).

So we kinda keep it all bottled up.  My Keeper says that's a metaphor.  If like me, you have trouble with metaphors, then there's a picture above which shows a bottled croc.

Anyway, all that remains now is for the filthy lucre to change hands and I'm outta this place.  Gonna say farewell to the Keeper, the storage heater, the telly and everything and say hello to new stuff.  Possibly involving puppies growing on trees (see June 29 post).

So long for now,


Carl

Carl holds his breath

This is the Keeper speaking.  I realise that I won't be the Keeper for much longer, so I suppose you could describe me as the outgoing Keeper or even the lame-duck Keeper.  Nevertheless,  I currently have the authority to speak on Carl's behalf.

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE STILL WATERS?
(Source: huffingtonpost.com)

You see he is literally holding his breath in anticipation of the big sale.  It's due to end tomorrow evening.  Obviously, breath-holding is not especially problematic for a wooden crocodile since wooden crocodiles might generally be described as respiration-negative.  However, he did ask me to leave you with his final fact, which, as always, is entirely appropriate to his current predicament:


Carl's Croco-fact #11

Crocs can stay underwater for more than an hour on account of their croc haemoglobin which fills the blood with bicarbonate ions.

So wooden or not, crocs can hold their breath a long time, although up until 8pm tomorrow may be a bit of a big ask...

Happy bidding.


The Keeper

Carl feels the nerves

Two days to go.  Oh man, am I feeling it.  All around the world there are animals feeling like me... changes to their natural habitat, human domination, decline of dinner animals...  Now, the Keeper's den is puppy-free and there's not much chance of a lost wildebeest wandering by, but at least I got me telly.  And a comfy spot on the storage heater.

Come, the first of July, it's all gonna change.  Could be that I become the property of a twerp, or an alligator-lover... or a vegetarian.  That's the trouble with ebay.  You don't know what you're gonna get.

So yeh.  I'm feeling a bit apprehensive.

Let me test you on something...  Where do crocodiles live?  Sound like an easy question?  You're gonna say Africa or India, aren't you? Well, fair play.  But there's something you might not be aware of.

MMMM.  WHERE PUPPIES GROW ON TREES
(Source: morningstarbordercollies.com)

Carl's Croco-fact #10

When people (humans) think of the Americas, they always think about alligators.  Well actually, there is an American Crocodile.  And it's protected.  Unfortunately, the American Alligator is also protected to stop people accidentally killing crocs. 

I know.  Lucky twerps.  They're not endangered at all, but they benefot from the plight of their superior cousins.


Anyway, what I'm getting at is that, like the American Crocodile, my habitat is changing in a couple of days.  Could be I go to a magical place where the puppies grow on trees *(see picture above) and stinky riverness is all around.  Or could be I get bought by a business person without a true appreciation of my uniquely endangered woodcrafted, handcarved charm.  Stubby claws crossed...

Until the next time,


Carl